I've declared war against all Invertebrates. They hate us vertebrates because of our freedoms and will stop at nothing to spread their hate filled message across the world! No longer will we live in fear of their jello-ie mischief!

 

You hear me Jellyfish? you say your just floating on the current, minding your own business, but I know you've statistically placed yourself to ruin my beach fun!

 

And Octopuses, you think your sooo smart with your "Look at me, I can open jars with my tentacles, blaa blaa blaa " showy-offy-ness, well I have news for you! I can do that too. Not so smart now, eh hot shot?

 

You invertebrates wont be strutting around like you own the place and stealing our vertebrate woman once the army of Rob comes for you, oh no, no you wont!

IN 1988 the usurper SEGA declared an end to the 8-bit war. Not with a declaration of peace but with a shot from his new weapon the Genesis, SEGA had just risen the stakes. The 16-bit war had begun.

 

Two years went by since SEGA fired that first 16-bit shot, and still NINTENDO stuck to his 8-bit ways, some say because he was quite happy with the way things were in the 8-bit era and had no desire to start an arms race, others say it was out of sheer arrogance or stubbornness. Whatever the reason NINTENDO was loosing ground, and his reliants on the aging NES  was the cause.

 

NINTENDO's followers where growing uneasy, SEGA was becoming a real threat to their way of life and rumors of SEGA's Altered beasts and Golden axes roaming the woods did nothing to dispel their fears. Discontent was spreading like wildfire, and in the dead of night, those who were once loyal to NINTENDO would slip into the shadows, only to reappear fighting for the other side and waving SEGA's flag high.

 

Clearly NINTENDO underestimated SEGA's resolve and his new weapon, he could hold off no longer, it was time for him to enter the 16-bit war. In grand fashion he unveiled the weapon that had been in development for the last few years, a 16-bit Nintendo Entertainment system, but he needed a adjective to describe the new weapon, one that would inspire the masses, and let them know they where playing with power, super power. GASP!

 

With his Super Nintendo and a fresh new propaganda campaign, NINTENDO was ready to bring the fight to SEGA. The fighting was fierce in those early years. For every Mario that NINTENDO could muster, there was a Sonic ready to lay down its life, for every Shining Force fighting for the side of SEGA there was a pack of Final Fantasies out for SEGAs blood.

 

Though it had a two year head start and was leading in console sales by 1991 SEGA became impatient, he Sat in his war room with one of his top generals eyeing a map of NINTENDO's territory and in a move historians say sealed his fate decided to up the stakes onces more. He would release two upgrades for the Genesis, first the Sega CD and then the 32X. "Surely" he said as he turned to the other man in the room "this three prong attack would be enough to topple the KING?"

Just then a cold gust of wind blew out the candles on the table, SEGA walked over to the window and stared out into the night sky, a red moon, clearly a good omen for the slaughter that was coming. A smile crept across his face as he latched the window shut. Light from the moon played with the shadows on SEGA's face, and the  general quickly lit the candles, not out of necessity, the meeting was over, and the moon provided more then enough light to exit the room, no it was not out of necessity but fear. Sleep did not come easy for the general that night, as he lay in bed staring into the darkness "it was just a trick of the light, nothing more" he said to nobody in particular, laying beside him his wife mumble something in her sleep and rolled over. Eventually sleep would take the general that night, but he would find no solace in it. For every dream
ended the same, he would be standing in a room lit by red moonlight, and across from him would be SEGA, but not the SEGA he'd know for years, alive, vibrant a would be king, no instead there stood a corpse its lips pulled back in a mock smile.

So its that time again, lines must be drawn, Sides must be taken, rhetoric and talking points must
be memorized. Armies are forming just over the horizon and this is no time to be sitting on the fence, you're eitherwith us or against us.

 

Thats right its time for war, NO, not Bush's war against Emmanuel Goldstein and his shadowy minions,
no this is serious. So put on your serious face damn you, cause we're talking about a topic so divisive it will
tear families apart and turn nerds against geeks. Of course I'm referring to the Console war.

Every half decade or so the big hardware players in the video game industry drag out their latest iterations, and expect, no DEMAND, that you drop your current video game system for their newest souped up offering which it so happens is being released just in time for the Christmas shopping season. Oh you may resist the urge to upgrade, may even swear off video games, for a while, but soon you'll get the shakes, the fever, the nausea (oh the nausea) and you'll be back forking over your paycheck for another trip into the mushroom kingdom (or to kill another hooker, whatever your style).

Now this war has been raging for over 30 years, and has left many a widow. In the beginning (or as close as I care to go) companies like Atari, Intellivision and Colecovision battled each other to a standstill with what crude weapons they had (spears, rocks, nukes), they 1up'ed each other with ever more dazzling graphics, one, two, three pixel characters!! MADDNESS!!!

 

They dared to challenge the gods and payed the price in the great video game crash of 1983 (mayhaps your pappy told you of the legends). The video game scene was reduced to a radioactive wasteland, uninhabitable to all but the most hardiest of nerdlins, the console war was over, or so they thought.

 

Then from the east there came a mighty rumble, a giant beast awoke, and gazed upon the now barren wasteland before him, stretched his wings, and crowned himself king, the 8-bit era had begun. This beast called himself Nintendo and ruled with an iron fist all through the 8 and 16-bit eras, of coarse others were jealous of Nintendos power and tried to dethrone the king, but only one would come close. SEGA emerged from the shadows and stood before the king unafraid, he issued a challenge, and the prize would be dominion of all the land.

 

NINTENDO being overly proud would not give its crown up so easily, the two Gaints puffed up their chests, traded blows, and leveled pixilated cities under their massive feet. The fighting was not left to NINTENDO and SEGA alone,  for each had an army of devoted fanatics ready to lay down their lives for their chosen Deity, at any point between 1985 and 1995 cries of "Earth worm Jim looks better on the SNES" OR "NO! It looks better on the Genesis" could be heard echoing down the streets.

 

IN 1988 NINTENDO sought the help of a powerful mechant form the east and together they worked in secret on a weapon to level the competition, this weapon would be a CD-rom add on for the soon to be released SNES and the merchants name was SONY (doo doo doo suspenseful music).  They only had a few short months before the SNES would be released and worked day and night, and only by moonlight, for added effect.  NINTENDO became increasingly suspicious of SONYs intentions and loyalty, for although
they were working on a add on for the SNES together, SONY was also working on its own machine that would play SNES games as well as games on CD. NINTENDO seeing this as a potential threat to its Hardware dominance ended their partnership with sony.

Enraged, SONY issued a vague threat in typical 80's cartoon villain fashion "I'll get you for this NINTENDO, some day, soooooommmme daaaaaaayy" before jumping into his egg shaped escape pod and blasting off into the night sky. Of course NINTENDO thought nothing of the threat, NINTENDO was king after all, nobody could touch him, not even SEGA.

So did anybody know this? Between World War I and II the ol U.S of A developed
and approved as official national policy three major war plans:

a War Plan ORANGE against Japan

a War Plan GREEN against Mexico,

a War Plan RED against the UK.

 

 

There was also a War Plan WHITE initiated in 1920 though not developed or approved and that called for
suppressing internal insurrection by U.S. citizens.

 

Google this shit up if you dont belive me!

 

War plan Red (UK) was the largest and the most developed, the plan presumed that U.S interference in British trade would lead to war (woooo) "although other proximate causes to war may be alleged".

 

 They assumed when the war broke out that the British would use its navy to take the Philippines, Guam, Hawaii and the Panama Canal.. Big loses for the Americans.

 

So what are the yanks to do? Why INVADE CANADA of coarse.

 

Though the war would be against the British (Red), most of the plans focused on the conquest of Canada (Crimson is what the labeled Canadian territory).

Their goal   "ULTIMATELY, TO GAIN COMPLETE CONTROL OF CRIMSON."

"intentions are to hold in perpetuity all CRIMSON and RED territory gained... The Dominion government [of CANADA] will be abolished."

 

Should Canada declare neutrality, it was still to be invaded and occupied.

 

 

The draft stated that

"it should be made quite clear to Canada that in a war she would suffer grievously".

 

"large parts of CRIMSON territory will become theaters of military operations with consequent suffering to the population and widespread destruction and devastation of the country..."

 

 

In October 1934, the Secretary of War and Secretary of Navy approved an amendment authorizing the

 

 

 "immediate air operations on as large a scale as practicable."

"TO MAKE ALL NECESSARY PREPARATIONS FOR THE USE OF CHEMICAL WARFARE FROM THE OUTBREAK OF WAR. THE USE OF CHEMICAL WARFARE, INCLUDING THE USE OF TOXIC AGENTS, FROM THE INCEPTION OF HOSTILITIES, IS AUTHORIZED..."

 

Makes you wonder what North America would be like if the Germans didn't go ape shit across the Atlantic.
Can you picture that? can ya? Huh?

 

Mexican and Canadian Guerilla fighters, freedom fighters (terrorists?) whatever, moving up and down the continent stealing pies off windowsills and causing all sorts of trouble...

 

You know this definitely happened in an alternate reality! Don't deny it.

 

 

 

 

I know what you're going to say "Rob, you sexy man beast, everybody knows that the American right lives in a fantasy world, made up of dragons, cowboys, Iraqi WMDs and other such nonsense. And that yes they along with all the other extremists around the world are dragging humanity kicking and screaming into the gapping jaws of hell, but is that any reason to make fun of their loose grip on reality?" Um...yes! Yes it fucking is!

What are those wacky bastards up to now you say?

Merging all American media into one giant monster corporation, so they can get all thier News from one "reliable" source?

Sending spies into colleges across America to keep on eye on any professors who don't swear loyalty to bush?

The Bush gang's leaked plan to nuke Iran after the next (according to the "experts" inevitable) 9/11, regardless of weather Iran has anything to do with it? (Sounds kind of familiar actually)...*cough*...Plans for a new American century..*cough*...Iraq....*cough cough*

Nope, its none of these trivial things, this is much more serious..

Fricking comic books! That's right! Is nothing safe? Is nothing sacred?

http://accstudios.com/f/synopsis1.htm

"America's future has become an Orwellian nightmare of ultra-liberalism. Beginning with the Gore Presidency, the government has become increasingly dominated by liberal extremists.
In 2004, Muslim terrorists stopped viewing the weakened American government as a threat; instead they set their sights on their true enemies, vocal American conservatives. On one dark day, in 2006, many conservative voices went forever silent at the hands of terrorist assassins. Those which survived joined forces and formed a powerful covert conservative organization called "The Freedom of Information League", aka F.O.I.L."

"The New York City faction of F.O.I.L. is lead by Sean Hannity, G. Gordon Liddy and Oliver North, each uniquely endowed with special abilities devised by a bio mechanical engineer affectionately nicknamed "Oscar". F.O.I.L. is soon to be joined by a young man named Reagan McGee."

"Two decades of negotiation with the U.N., and America's administration of 2021 (President Chelsea Clinton and Vice President Michael Moore), has culminated in a truce with fundamentalist Islamic terrorists, or so America is told. The honorable ambassador from Afghanistan has come to NYC to address the U.N., his name is Usama Bin Laden. Ambassador Bin Laden has announced that he plans a public apology for the "misunderstanding" of the events of 9/11. This apology will occur exactly 20 years to the minute the first plane hit the WTC; this will be on the observation deck at the newly renamed "Unity Tower" built on the hallowed grounds where the WTC once stood."

Oh my fucking gawd! My brain is bleeding..I feel dizzy.

And god spoke unto to me "Yo dude, you need to totally drink all the booze in this joint, or I'll bring about the apocalypse or some shit. Thats the way I work, don't try to understand it!" And so I drank until dawn, then until noon, and kept drinking after the sun disappeared beyond the horizon.

 

 

The next day I farted out the baby Jesus, true story!

People of the world, or at least the five people reading this, it is true that Terror is on the run and the world is safe once again from that mad man Saddam (the new Hitler) Hussein and his unlimited stockpile of WMD. That global warming is indeed a myth (thank you republicans for keeping your cool and rational heads and not believing all that scientific mumbo jumbo) and that George (the hand of GOD) Bush is winning his lone and noble battle against Satan's forces, but please don't be lulled into a false sense of security just yet, for evil still dwells amongst us.

Hold on a minute, don't go running out and blow your lifesavings on duct tape just yet though, for you are not in this fight alone.

The politicians, corporations and elite of this world are here to protect you. We all must rally under the protective umbrella that they provide, only by pledging allegiance to a political party (and by association the elite and corporations that fund them) can we begin to turn the tide.

What is this evil ask? Well I'll tell you, it would appear that there are some people (I wont go as far as to call them terrorists, yet) who believe it is their right to point out things that they believe to be unjust or bullshit, that they have to the right to question the enlightened ideals of the those in power, that they should have some say in how their governments affect their lives.

I know, I know, your probably thinking I'm blowing things out of proportion, that every sane person knows that only the rich and powerful should have any real say in how the world is governed, that all good ideas come from the top and trickle down (like pissing on a homeless person form a 3rd story window), and that these lunatic dissenters cant possible exist, but they do exist, and there're probably cooking up some sinister scheme at this very moment.

But as I said earlier, you're not alone, as long as you keep your words, deeds and yes, even your very thoughts pure. As long as you provide unwavering loyalty to those in charge, never question authority and realize that only the elite have the vantage point necessary to really look after you and your interests, as long as you know your place you will be safe.

With your support (not that they really need it, really who's going to stop them) those in power will crush this treat, and bring order at last, and through order, real peace.

Man, I think I drink too much.

    I become such a monster when I’m drunk. Normally when dancing with sobriety I’m your average dirty, smelly (oh the smells) underpaid, disillusioned prole, I walk around like I own the place, defecate in people’s handbags, pick fights with strangers to make up for my short comings, you know, average sober things.

     Ohhh but put a few drinks in me and I’m all like “excuse me ma’am, may I hold the door for you ma am” and “you know what? I don’t think I’ll kick that toddler in the stomach today”.

    Dose this sound normal? I should be out there with the rest of you, slamming doors in people’s faces and kicking the shit out of three year olds.. *sigh*  what will become of me?